Since my recent experiment in youtube learning revealed a nearly Matrix-like ability to absorb combat skills with no physical training, I decided it would be quite corking to ascertain how many other sci-fi abilities I possessed. My attempts to make my finger glow like E.T. only resulted in third degree burns, but did save me the trouble of looking into the notion of having any Wolverine-esque healing gene mutation. For the purpose of being mistaken for a member of the local poofter community trying out a bizarre touchy-feely homosexual flirting method, Spock’s Vulcan nerve pinch was a gargantuan success, but for fighting… epic failure. It was, however, outstanding at starting fights with homophobes, but then winding up the ignorant isn‘t much of a sci-fi ability… a fact someone should pass on to all those scientologists out there.
While checking out some books by Michio Kaku at the nearest Borders, I tried concentrating really hard to see if I could freeze time, but all I got for my troubles was the irate missive “what are you staring at, fag?!”, from one of the patrons. A brief scuffle ensued, during which I brained the individual in question with both The Collected Works of Oscar Wilde, and a hardbound copy of Mapplethorpe photographs. The incident reinforced my reputation for wit and irony in my choice of improvised weapons, but was discouraging in my pursuit of sc-fi badassery.
At the gym the other night, I eclipsed my personal best deadlift by 20 lbs., which inspired me to again test the boundaries of the possible by seeing if I could control quantum probability and align my molecules so as to pass through solid matter. My venture was unsuccessful, and, if I’m honest, I probably could’ve selected a better target than the beefy gentleman who happened to be bending over to have a drink from the water fountain. Instead of a fracas, however, I received an invitation for a drink at some place called ‘The Manhole’. When I politely declined, my suitor employed a rather high volume (and pitch) to label me a ‘tease’, and all the other tanned, exquisitely groomed men at the gym shunned me from that point on. Who knew there’d be so many mindy fellows working out at a place called Adonis Male Fitness & Spa?
Not willing to relent in my quest, I elected to take a crack at the sine qua non of sci-fi warriors, the Jedi. During one of my grappling sparring sessions at the local Brazilian Jiu Jitsu academy, after several failed attempts to pass my guard (a position that involves keeping your opponent at bay with your legs), my opponent paused, frustrated, and exclaimed “damn your legs are long!”. I saw my opportunity and seized it, responding with “yeah, you should see my cock!”. Flummoxed, caught between laughter and disgust, the dude backed away, tapped the mat, and said “I’m done”. Yup, I Jedi Mind Tricked a guy into submission.
Bit of a long way to go for a dick joke, I grant you, but I think we can agree it was worth it.